AMAT: Meredith Grey

[dirtymistress]

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop. ~Meredith Grey

 

PLAYER

» Journal: http://dirtymistress.dreamwidth.org/

» Birthdate/Age: 01/81

» Characters Played: Gwen Cooper & Rose Hathaway

 

CHARACTER

» Name: Meredith Grey

» Fandom: Grey's Anatomy

» Reference: http://greysanatomy.wikia.com/wiki/Meredith_Grey & http://greysanatomy.wikia.com/wiki/Meredith_Grey

» Canon Point: End of Season 3 - Meredith and Cristina have gone on Cristina's Honeymoon together.

» Gender: Female

» Age: 31

» Orientation: Straight. Meredith's long list of one night stands and dysfunctional relationships have always been with men. From her on again off again relationship with Derek, an aborted attempt at happiness with Finn, and her inability to get over her feelings for Derek with a string of drunken romps all suggest that Meredith, despite wishing she could just be a lesbian, has a strong preference for men.

» Personality: Complicated. Though there are a number of colorful ways to describe Meredith Grey, complicated is perhaps the most fitting. Raised by a mother whose life was her medical career, and a father who ended up walking out on her at a young age, Meredith has abandonment issues that greatly influence her often poor choices in life. She tends to push people away before they can even get close to her, as we see her do with Derek throughout their on and off relationship.

She lies to herself in a failed attempt to do what she thinks is the right thing to do (Insisting that she was no longer in love with Derek when he went back to his wife), even if it does leave her closed off to new experiences. Meredith sees her world as being held together with tape, and one wrong move could bring it all crashing down around her and though she doesn't want to face it, she's scared to try new things (refusing at first to get involved with Derek), because there's every chance it won't work out and though rejection may have been something she has faced throughout her life, particularly from her parents, and then Derek choosing his wife over her, just the possibility of it happening again is often more than she can take.

Meredith seems to make up for her lack of honesty with herself, with everyone else, tending to deliver the startling truth in such a way that she's not easy to hate, but not so easy to love either. She's more likely to deliver wake-up calls to those around her, often influenced by whatever is going on in her own life, as we see when she is desperate to try and save a woman who had been injured in a car accident the same day that Derek chose Addison over her. Sometimes these truths allow her to see what her own underlying issues are, but usually they allow those close to her to see what she refuses to discuss.

She has two therapists in her life. Her best friend Cristina, and tequila, neither of which tend to be overly helpful, but both have the ability to make her feel better. Cristina is her person, the one person that understands her no matter how dark and twisted she is. Cristina won't baby Meredith, she'll even give her the mental slap she deserves, but the same can be said in reverse, which is perhaps why they are so close. They understand each others professional drive and ability to make poor decisions and even if their words may suggest judgement, they get each other in ways that nobody else can. If something is going wrong in their lives, they turn to each other, and together they often turn to tequila.

Though far from an alcoholic, Tequila is just another example of how Meredith tries to avoid her problems. She's almost reminiscent of a small child in the way she deals with her issues, going so far as to try and pretend the objection of her distress does not exist. She tries to compartmentalize everything, from her mother's horrific illness (Alzheimer's Disease) and then later, her death, to what happened on the day of the ferry crash when she almost died. Meredith seems to think that if she simply pretends it doesn't exist then it doesn't. Like everything in life however, pretending only goes so far and eventually reality has a way of slapping her in the face, forcing her to deal with too much all at once.

Her experiences in life have left her jaded, and one might conclude that the misery she endures is as a result of her expecting no better for herself. She repeatedly sees the glass as half empty, as she says so herself and though she does on occasion try for optimism, it doesn't seem to suit her. She thinks that if she expects the worse, she can't be disappointed, but is invariably proven wrong time and time again as what little hope she still clings to gets dashed.

The one place where Meredith seems at home, is in an operating room. It's as if every ounce of self doubt vanishes, and the woman she could be comes to the surface. She knows her purpose in there, and gets a thrill out of holding the life of another person in her hands. It's the one place where everything she touches doesn't turn to crap and she feels good knowing that somebody like her, really can make a difference for good in the lives of others.

It's hard to say if it's that thrill seeking quality, or a recklessness in regards to her own life that leads her to do extremely dangerous things. While she tends to over-think anything that concerns her personal life, she runs in blind when others know to hit the deck, like she did when the patient came in with a bomb in his body again when Derek was being held at gunpoint (later in the series than her canon point). Though her therapist believes she has suicidal ideations, Meredith is very much in denial of this. Her therapist may not be correct, but there is only a very small difference between wanting to die, and not caring if you do die (The Ferry Boat disaster when she almost drowned because she stopped fighting).

Arguably, it could be said that Meredith is at her best as a person when she follows her instincts. Take out the reason why, and she will act in a selfless manner, with no concern for how she may be hurt by this as we see when she put her own life at risk by grabbing hold of a bomb that later led to the death of a member of the bomb squad. This isn't necessarily an instinct she should follow, certainly not in life and death situations, but it does show a different side to her, one that is admirable, if not insane.

Despite her emotional state which can easily turn into irrationality, in times of crisis, she is usually the one that can be relied on to keep a cool head, something that is even noted by Derek. She may well fall apart the rest of the time, but when those around her are crumbling, she's the one who takes charge, she's the one who helps pick up the pieces and she's the one who becomes a pillar of strength, a strength she hardly knows she has otherwise.

The way she communicates with those around her, be them friend or foe, is nothing short of confusing at times. She is prone to long speeches, particularly when she is feeling overly emotional and has a bad habit of going off on a tangent. Though not exactly sarcastic, she has a dry almost dark sense of humor that can be hard to take if you aren't used to her. She can be blunt and even irrational at times, and it takes a person who cares enough about her to read between the lines to understand where she is coming from.

She has a propensity to over-share, especially when she's with Cristina but if others happen to hear then she has no shame. She is the same when it comes to her body, living with fellow intern George and seemingly unperturbed if he walks in on her in a general state of undress. Perhaps it comes from being a Doctor, seeing a person spread out before her, exposing the most intimate side of themselves makes her see her own body in more clinical terms. She is the same when it comes to sex. She is less concerned about emotional attachments when it comes to the act itself, a trend that is established when she first meets Derek and again when Derek goes back to Addison. For Meredith, sex is the easy part, it's emotional commitment that she has so much trouble with.

She may describe herself as dark and twisty, but there is a lighter side to Meredith Grey, one that verges on complete immaturity. Its fellow Doctor, Callie who explains that surgeons are like teenagers because of their lifestyle, “high school with scalpels” and Meredith is no exception to the rule. She drinks too much, dances around in her underwear and has some of the most ridiculous arguments that one might expect from a middle schooler. Though her friends all have a tendency to be this way, for Meredith it has a lot to do with her lack of any real childhood. The hospital was her second home, and with absent parents who left her to raise herself, it's hardly any wonder that she reverts to being a reckless teenager as an adult.

Though even the creator of the series has said that it's really a platonic love story between Meredith and Cristina, the other significant relationship in Meredith's life is with Derek Shepherd. He is perhaps the first person to challenge her to show her feelings, yet at the same time manages to be the one to let her down. He again proves to her that men cannot be trusted, and yet her attraction to him is undeniable. He was the first man she ever really put herself out there for when she asked him to “Pick me, choose me, love me” she bared her soul to him in ways she'd never been brave enough to do before. When he didn't, she retreated into herself, and though she has since tried to commit to him after he left his wife, she became the one to leave him, if not physically at first, then emotionally.

Though the two have more or less broken up, she is by no means over him and perhaps never will be. There is a part of her that wants to hate him, but a stronger part that never will. He scares her, makes her feel vulnerable and exposed and that's not a side of herself she willingly wants anyone to see. Though she tries to put up an emotional wall between them, he has a way of breaking it down. He also knows exactly what to say and do to hurt her, and this is exactly why she can't allow herself to trust him.

» Appearance: Standing at 5ft6, Meredith has long, dark blond, almost brown wavy hair that appears lighter in the summer months. Her pale skin and delicate features have been described as porcelain and her blue eyes will often betray her emotions, especially in times of pain or anger. Though almost always found in scrubs, her personal style tends to be somewhere between preppy and professional. Button up collared shirts paired with tailored jackets or sweaters and jeans.

» Suitability: N/A

SAMPLES

» "amatomnes" First-Person Network Entry:

This is a joke right? Some elaborate kind of joke cause seriously, things like this don't happen to me. And that's impressive, cause strange things happen to me almost every day, trust me, I'm a Doctor, you wouldn't believe the things you see in an emergency room at three in the morning.

[She's about to continue on that train of thought when she pauses and seems to think better of it]

OK so maybe you shouldn't trust me, but that's not the point. The point is, that I should be in Hawaii right now and there should be palm trees and hula skirts and those necklaces made of flowers but instead, I have this thing around my neck and it won't come off! Who the hell makes a necklace that won't come off?

[She tugs at the necklace as if to drive that point home]

So I'm here, and I have no idea where Cristina is which, is really bad cause this is her not-quite-honeymoon, honeymoon and I cannot be one of those people who gets drunk and ditches her best friend on her not-honeymoon, but apparently I am so.

[She purses her lips and just stares at the screen]

So I guess what I'm asking is this. Where the hell am I and why am I naked?

[The bare shoulders that appear on screen making far more sense now]

» "amatomneslogs" Third-Person Prose Entry:

Meredith Grey had been sitting on the bed, wrapped in nothing but a sheet trying to piece together the fragments of her evening for at least an hour now, but to no avail. She'd had sex, she knew that much, or at least she was pretty sure she had because she was naked, and she wasn't in her hotel room. Naked and strange room generally spelled one night stand in her world, but usually she remembered something. Usually the guy from said one night stand was occupying the bed along with her, but not this time.

No this time Meredith had entered into level of dirty whore. The man didn't even stick around for the morning. Not that she minded exactly. It was so much easier when they didn't have to do the awkward part where they pretend they are going to call each other, but invarably won't because again, one night stand. The whole point is that it only lasts for one night and gets filed away under the list of many things you could blame on tequila.

So if she couldn't resolve her evening then she had to try and work out a way to fix the present, present being that she was in a strange hotel room instead of keeping her best friend company on her not-quite-honeymoon, honeymoon and she needed to get back to said best friend to keep from winning the joint title of worlds worst friend and worlds biggest whore.

She sighed, blowing her bangs out of her face as she again looked around the room, the decor doing little to improve her mood. Well at least her night of moral ambiguity had been with a rich guy cause there was no way she could afford this room and she really didn't need to see a ridiculous charge on her credit card when she got back to Seattle. That would top off what had been a spectacularly forgettable evening, not because the sex was bad, but because she really, really couldn't remember a thing.

“I seriously need to reassess my life.” A rare yet accurate appraisal of her current situation as her eyes fell on a pile of clothes that were stacked neatly on a dressing table.

“Seriously?” She crawled out of the bed, dragging her sheet with her and rifled through her folded belongings. “What sort of one night stand are you?” Exasperation dripping from every word as she tosses them to the floor, something about the perfection she'd been left in disturbing her. Drunk sex was supposed to be messy and awkward and utterly regrettable. It was not supposed to involve laundry!

She turned to the mirror, judging herself in the place of anyone else to do it for her when her eyes fell on the silver necklace that hung from her neck, incredulous at the whole situation she leaned forward to inspect it.

“Seriously!